MYMIRROR

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

How to deactivate a cat.

For those that are like “what?” it is instinct for a cat to stop moving when picked up by the scruff of the neck, as that’s how a mother cat gets her kittens places.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Life is like a river.

Life is like a river,

In the beginning,

It bubbles a lot,

As if forever.

A child also thinks,

He or she,

Can live forever,

They think life’s a crystal stair.

Then the river slows,

as life reaches its lows,

and of course,

it’s highs.

It then becomes smooth,

when we become lazy,

then it feels as if it’s not moving

that’s is our old age

Then it goes out

into the ocean just like

us, going up

into the heavens.

Savor every moment

as the wind blows in your hair

when one life ends

another begins.

~ Jehan Daboo

Troubling dreams.

I've been having these scary dreams. They were so frequent that I got numb to the thought, yet there were a few significant ones which were quite the concern. They started since 25th Jan this year. It use to be an off and on thing, but since 25th, it was constant. Each of them had one very thing in common. Death.

The first one, was a girl. I woke up with my heart pounding so ferociously. Blood, tears, screams, so many mix emotions that I could feel from the people in the dream; an accident. Well at least I assume it to be an accident. Perhaps it could be something different, because only parts I could recall.

The second was related to a dear pet. I could see its pain, feel its suffering and lastly witness the life disappearing from her eyes. As disturbing as it was, I just woke up feeling utterly confused. Why do I have these dreams? They use to be repetitive but now, it's a different scene every night.

A few of which I could not recall exactly, only a vague picture etched in my mind, but still of the same theme.

Not exactly sequential now, but this was one of the few I remember clearly. It was rather different this time. I did not see how they passed, but instead was at a funeral. No one really did notice my presence there. At first I thought it was my own, but the feeling I remember off the person in the coffin was someone I truly cared about. I'm certain it is a friend. Perhaps, close friend? I remember feeling devastated. I could not accept the fact and was so overwhelmed that I woke up holding on tight to my pillow, hugging manner and wished that the person would be here for me to hug. I didn't want anything to happen. All of the dreams, I don't wish for them to ever happen. I tried to stay up so that I would not fall back into that dream but my wet eyes were too tired. The after feeling that morning, was pure gloominess.

Several times, waking up to that fear. Like my heart wanted to hide itself and was racing so quickly, and my eyes popped widely open; can't wait a moment longer to stay asleep.

And the last one, just last night, with a short continuation or rather summary, this afternoon in a nap. I tired to make myself tired, really really exhausted, so that I would not dream again because last time when I was really tired, I would not dream. This time I really saw who it was. I don't know if I'm in denial and just refuse to accept that that person would do anything like that, but yet some parts of me is concern because there are signs. It was a suicide. A horrifying suicide. Not the kind that you take pills and go peacefully or hang yourself and just have that brief moment of pain and, or deficient air, but it was horrifying. It was long and gruesome. I woke up with tears in my eyes. I really hope it doesn't come true! Not even close to it at all. Reading some stuff written by that someone made it feel like it was so near to coming true.

Spare my heart from more tears, please? I know you won't be reading this, because you don't read my petty rants or random posts, but if by chance that you do, please hang in there. Don't push people away when all they are trying is to help. Like you, I know it is hard to trust especially with the events that happened, but at least don't push me away. I really want to help. I can't bare knowing you're in pain. I see you like this but feel so helpless on the sideline. Though I am doubtful that even if you confided in me that I would be able to help. But at least allow me to give you support. Please hold on.

Possible, only from a distance.

If you love someone, tell him or her. Forget about the rules or the fear of looking ridiculous. What is truly ridiculous is passing up on an opportunity to tell someone that your heart is invested in him or her.

Truly; gain the balls to tell.
Though saying is easier than doing it. I know it is, because constantly its a struggle. Seeing you, happy without me, just hurts, but nothing beats hurting more than knowing you're sad and it was because of me.

Someone once said that it really isn't worth the trouble because at the end of it, they always leave. I seriously disagree, because if you don't show that person that you care enough to fight for them, then you really aren't giving them a reason to stay, right? But now I'm tired. Really tired of the constant rejection. I wish I could stop caring. I wish I could just stop, but I'm not strong enough to not care. It really is harder than it seems. This really seems like a competition to see who could care less. I guess I'm truly ridiculous now, seating time and brain cells, not to mention countless streaks of salty liquid down these cheeks. Firstly caring, then perhaps caring too much, then debating not to care, followed by countless tries of killing these thoughts. At the end of it, I still end up at the start, which stinks! Completely befuddled.

Only from a distance.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Roar.

“Courage doesn’t always roar.

sometimes courage is the quiet voice

at the end of the day saying,

“i will try again tomorrow” “

Drained.

Wanting to wait for you,
but you keep telling me no.
Are you afraid of the word 'wait'?
Or is it just that it's me?

I'm trying my best,
doing everything in my power
to hold things together.
It seemed easier in my head.

Sometimes it just feels so tiring,
because it feels like I'm alone in this.
Damned feelings just creep in unannounced.
Causing me to lose grip.

Grazing even more to pick up from that loss, even for a moment.

I just need to know
that all I'm doing here, now,
is not another waste.

Be that difference to prove me right.

I need to know.
That you having me around,
is not out of pity,
but love and grace.

I'm not asking for much,
Just some reassurance.
Because right now it just feels like a one-man-show.
Resources depleting, yet there're so many others to replenish for.

Refill me, please?
This vessel is so deprived.

Secret bygone tears.

It strikes without a sign
Bringing everything back to where it use to be
Mentioning happiness and joy
The things she can't keep.

Minutes before this, I got on her blog again. Reading more teary postsrecently, hardly a happy note.
Her words, situation, and songs,
brought sharp pain to my chest.
Talking about trust.
Professing love so reachable yet still so distant.
Being pushed away.
Sometimes left aside; forgotten.
Describing pain.
One after another, it hits.
Always being hurt, by people around.
Often gone unheard, and evidently only her blog hears her screams.
Keeping secrets of her bygone tears.
Reading line after line,
Paragraph after paragraph,
The image of her crying,
Tears trickling down,
Every emotion filled streak,
~~I wish you were here.~~
I want to be there.

Life isn't about keeping score.

Life isn’t about keeping score. It’s not about how many people call you and it’s not about who you’ve dated, are dating, or haven’t dated at all. It isn’t about who you’ve kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you. It’s not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school. In fact, it’s not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not. Life isn’t about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it’s not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn’t about that. But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It’s about how you feel about yourself. It’s about trust, happiness, and compassion. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confidence. It’s about what you say and what you mean. It’s about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else’s in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise. These choices are what life’s about.