Please don't take me for granted.

I'll stop chasing. I know the consequences. I know, all too well, the pain. Just so to see if you would stop to look back, and notice that I've stopped. 

"Turn your head and look for me," hopefully whispering in my head.

Reaching you in time.

If the sun were to explode,

you wouldn’t even know about it

for eight minutes

And nothing in the world

gives me a heavier heart

than knowing I wouldn’t be able to reach you

before the world went dark

I saw it when I saw you.

It was when I met you, 

when I understood love song

and why couples danced with each other. 

I understood kissing and why it was the most beautiful thing. 

I understood why heartbroken people cried 

and why they stayed away from everyone when their hearts shattered

 because they needed their space 

to fill it with the voice of their lover who left 

and the memories to bring their hearts' pieces together 

then break them again. 

It was when I met you, 

when I understood what life was all about 

and why people stayed late at night thinking about that someone.

Priorities.

Bruised.

Torn.

Used.

Worn. 

Putting what she thought should be first,

but seeing other things slipping away.

This.

That.

If only.
You.

Odds seems against this.

The decisions, the ones she had to make.

Frus.

Vexed.

Crust.

Taxed. 

I wish you knew.

Of these heart's aches.

No one wants to be alone in this game.

The Painted Drums.

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

Some bad rhyming.

Hand in hand,

Arms wound tight.

Side by side.

Like left and right.

Two talk and listen,

with a gaze or two.

My eyes are fixed,

On only you.

Sipping your drink,

Stealing spoonfuls,

Pinching those cheeks,

which only I do.

Going on rides,

both in the car,

Stopping for drinks,

not way too far.

Glisten stars,

we often see.

Way way up,

like you and me.

Perhaps those were memories,

Though they seem so true.

Perhaps they were illusions,

Oh what a rue.

Wouldn't it be funny,

With a kick of scare,

If all this while,

Was some ghost affair.

Like the movie,

You saw, not me.

Though I peaked a little, 

Hoping not to pee.

Maybe like the movie,

At the end, it seems,

That it was a ghost story,

Where the girl gleams.

Random thought,

another 'what if',

Say if it were true,

What ever would you do?

Sing me my lullaby.

 

The past few days and the couple more ahead would be the most stressful days I would have ever faced in my entire life. Don't think I've gone through anytime when it felt like this. Holding it as much as I can. It takes little to trigger it, but I'm trying to stay strong and not breakdown. 

The rain, it calms me. Literally been staring at my screen to the window of pouring rain for hours now. It's my antidote, it keeps me still, and hopefully the thunder would sing me my lullaby.

Rainy day.

"...washed away like tears in the rain."

"I dislike being replaced. 

All of a sudden, you mean nothing to them."

Unsent Messages.

"Hey, I don't know if it's appropriate, or if the timing is right, but I have never stopped whatever there was when our lips first touched. You know the most agonizing part? I feel that it's only one sided now." 

"I hope you'll smile again like how you used to." 

"Could I get one hug? I know it's alot to ask. Could I have one long embrace? I miss how it feel like to be in your arms. I miss how it feels like to be the only girl in the world. I know this would be like talking to myself, but I really miss you. I don't think you miss me though. It's sad to stand at the sidelines, when I long so badly to go back into your circle. I do miss you." 

"Accidental touches. Not so accidental at all. Countless times I wanted to just hold your hand. People, I would say were the obstacle. Are you avoiding me? It's funny, I find it so hard to find a single moment where there's just you and me. It's so hard to get the guts to say those words, but when I finally do, there are always people around, and I'm not okay." 

"Worst case scenarios come into my mind. I really don't think I can accept it, I don't think I could ever go through your rejection. Not now, not when I'm so close to the finishing line. Maybe I'm selfish, but I know that I wouldn't be able to cope if it ever came to whatever it is that happened in my mind. -And if that happens, I won't have anyone to pull me up again. I'll lose you." 

"I wonder if it's mutual?" 

"I know I'm being silly. I don't know why I care so much when it seems like I'm caressing something that's behind these thick walls. It's like being in a zoo, where you want so badly to bring the tiger cub home, but it's in a den, and all I can do is just stare and wonder. Perhaps if I'm lucky, the cub might come closer, and the nearest I could have is a stroke or a pat." 

"Know that you've loved. I love you." 

"I really just want to say that I love you and it's been suppressed for so long for it was agonizing, but  it seemed like it resurfaced again. I want to spend time with you again, but I know you don't want to. Perhaps I'm too late. I lost the love I loved the most." 

"Hey you, you know what's funny? I actually almost cried while in your car the other day. The song, maybe you weren't directing it to me. But I felt that I was literally 'Jack Sparrow' with the jar. I felt so ashamed and hurting on the inside that I almost ran out of the car. I really hope that the heart is still with me if it is so. At least, you're still with me. And yes, it's Captain Jack Sparrow." 

"You know what's soooo silly? I've been dreaming of you. I kept imagining you around. But, you're not. Haha, ain't it just silly of me? I feel so silly." 

"Do you remember that song? It was a hit then, the radio was playing it, in your car. I was sitting at the back seat, staring in the sky. Even in daytime. My wishes upon all the aeroplanes....was only one. It starts with a capital U." 

"You are the only exception - Paramore" 

"I wish you wouldn't label me with such mere unimportance. It feels like you're ignoring me ): But who am I that you should give priority to? I guess, I'll just stay here, waiting."

Questionmark.

Thou art the fairest of them all.

Don't thee deny!

Shalt that happen,

Thou hast to agnise, that 

To me, fairest wilt not be enough to ever exemplify thee.

I'm no poet,

yet I wonder,

how one look

could cause such plunder.

You make me poesy,

lyrically insane.

Driving me nuts,

just out of my brain.

Fairest one of all,

wherefore art thou?

Pilfer my heart, nimmed my soul,

Where oh where art thou?

On the roads, or

in confined squares,

You are always on my mind.

Never to not be.

A look out,

To stalk, 

Hunting, every fair lady,

In hopes of meeting you.

Gosh, do I need to get you out of my head "." / "?"

Half a Life.

Had feasted my eyes upon some words I know I should read, but wish I had not have read. It's 3:10am. It's funny, I feel like I'm on a surgery table or my wad's bed, and the doctor's announcing my time of death. Skylar Grey's 'Words' has been stuck in my mind. This and a few other songs. Maybe, just maybe, if I'm lucky, someone would read this and know that 'Words' would be one of the songs I want at my funeral. Perhaps if I'm lucky, someone would catch a few others as I go.

It's so loud inside my head.

With words that I should have said.

Mr Know-It-All, or rather Mr Fall-Out-Boy,

I have so much to tell you. So much that's been left unsaid. So much that has gone through my mind. Too much for my own good, and I'm pretty sure too much for your own good too. By guess, I'd say that you're exactly in my shoes as I am in yours. Everything's complicated for you, this I know. It's not that you want or like things complicated, but it just creeps in somehow or rather, like air, which even for your voided space it's inevitable not to have it; that's how illogical yet perplexed it is. 

I have died everyday

Waiting for you

You want to know something funny? I actually recently watch a Thai movie called; "A Crazy Little Thing Called Love", and it was the one foreign movie that made me cry. Thinking back to it, it reminds me so much of you and I. Especially the part where his bestfriend got involved in it and just before the bestfriend left, the main actor had to make a horrid promise, one that I don't think anyone should ever make. Well, you have to watch the movie to find out what it is. Maybe, just maybe, we are stuck, yet, in that stage, but maybe not forever. I hope we'll have their ending. 

I know I can't take one more step towards you.

There's just so much to contemplate. Not alot, just those few, but those are the main few. They too, were once a part of my life. I had lived with many jars, in which all those insults and backstabs I kept wrapped. Bottling up silent tears, to put up with those you call as friends. A contract was made, with the devil himself, to trade places with someone I have loved most. But that someone will never know these pain; the conditions to which was made an agreement. At least I know that, that part of the bargain is kept, being that others were all broken. I'm not looking for pity, no need to be sympathetic about it.

Nothing compares, no worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste.

It's been tormenting the past few days. Honestly, I missed the times we had. We could talk for hours, outdoors or in. Watching movies and eating the meals you made. Going out of my way to get you food which I think didn't really help you get better, but tried my best nursing you back. It made me feel useful, contributing and most of all wanted. Now, it's just so cold. You say you're busy, listening to your voice and the words typed, they both feel so differently. It felt that your voice wouldn't lie to me, but behind a screen your feelings hide from me. Shutting me out. Making me feel so ridiculous now, to even think that you would care for me again. Getting a text which felt like you were oh-so-leaving, yet wanting to stay. It made my heart utterly stop beating in those few moments. I know not what more to believe in.

Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

Now, I feel like those days have returned. My feelings are tormenting you. I honestly wish I could take back the feelings you felt for me. The pain you put yourself through. The suffering I put you through, watching a disaster happen everyday, yet to you it was pure hate. You were so strong to have gone through all that. I'm sorry, I wish I could take it all back. I know I shouldn't cause you the same pain again. I know I should just stay away. I know I shouldn't do it again. I know I shouldn't feel this way. But it's so hard to pretend that I don't care. Though you seem to be moving on now. I know I shouldn't ask you to stay. That's why I never said those words I wanted to say. And all day, all they do is keep screaming in my head. 

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited.

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight itI had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded. That for me, it isn't over.

I know you said that no matter what you do to fight for that person, to the extend of begging them to stay, yet the outcome would still be the same, and that they would leave anyways. But here's something I would like to say. If you had come back that day. If you had pulled me closer and stayed. If you had held on longer, I would have done everything to be back with you. I no longer have anything to lose. But I guess, it's none that's to be blamed. You were hurt, and getting fooled twice, that would be a shame. However if anyone's to be blamed, I'd say it would be me. Given a chance to say something, yet I lied and said it was nothing. I guess I'm not ready to hurt you again. I don't think I'll ever be ready for that. All I can say now is that, we were so close, yet silence we chose.

I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence

Fear is such a weak emotion thats why I despise it. We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth. So scared of what you think of me, I'm scared of even telling you.

But darling, I'll be the fool this time. I'll hold on to my silly illusions. My fantasy that someday, we will get this right. Someday when all the barriers in my head are gone, when I'm freed from my bonds. Because darling, you turned my sorrow into treasured gold, and that's what I've always wanted. For you to be happy. And now, even if it means that it is not with me. It's hard to say that I'll be happy too because I yearn so much to be the one that brings sparks to your eyes, but I'll just stay here, hidden; unread, indulging in my own memories of me and you.

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me. I have loved you for a thousand year. I'll love you for a thousand more.

Thank you for being there for me all this time. Eventhough I would've guessed that it'd kill you on the inside. Thank you for not pushing me away before. It means a world to me to know that at least in your eyes, I'm wanted. Thank you for helping me even when you yourself are in trouble. I truly am grateful. It hurts to even think that this is goodbye. I hope it isn't even close to it. I'm sorry for running around, leaving you scars, and tearing love apart. I'll just leave mine broken, so that the next time I use it, it'll be me who gets the cuts and sores. I really still care for you, but how can I love when I'm afraid to fall? I guess I'm just silly.

Compulsion.

I feel compelled,

to open my eyes to yours.

to inhale what is exhaled.

to watch you in your sleep.

to feel your warmth next to me.

to feel your heartbeat on my bare skin.

to go the less subtle way to just get you to notice me.

to want to be that reason for your smiles.

And you want to know a secret?

Yes, it was a hint.

‎"Appreciation is a dying art."

It's 6:11am,

Still not asleep.

I need a reason to sleep.

I need to know that everything will be alright.

Smelling the grassy raindrops,

Falling from my window silk.

Slipping onto the tiles of my room.

Flooding in a little at a time.

Wish the thunder would come out and play.

Lighting to give me a hope in its rays.

Rain, wash these sorrows away.

Let me fall asleep, and wake up in a better other day.

I need a reason to sleep.

Perhaps, it would be that it is the only place,

where you and I would make sense.

Then please don't wake me up.

Because I'm going to sleep.

Two Bickering Minds.

I swore I wasn't crying.

Yet, upon touching these cheeks, 

there was another story.

they had made a valley down,

dripping all over the wooden table.

Making their mark so distinct.

They tell their story so directly.

Screaming their emotions so vividly.

Yet, I wish the lips would do the same.

Eyes; they are the window to everyone's soul.

Look at what they are trying to tell you.

I cannot lie. Not when you're staring at them.

Because they don't lie. 

Yet, gullible they are.

These lips, they speak, but not always, 

especially when most needed.

Evading questions, answers, 

especially truths the heart wants to speak.

Ears to listen, yet they often get tricked by the voices inside my head.

They get deceived easily by the eyes,

then ending by screening words,

perceived to be what the mind wants it to be.

How foolish these ears are.

Then there's the mind.

Always, and I mean always, overthinking.

Never a minute resting.

Often bickering with the heart on what's to be done.

It seems to know what's right.

And legitly has not failed.

Lastly, there's the one that causes everyone to go mad.

The mischievous, scandalous yet benignant heart.

Pumping blood, and often love, 

Making sure it does not grow cold.

Being the sensitive of them all, 

It is the one that turns on the blender.

(Heart) Should I? 
(Brain) You know you shouldn't. 
(Heart) But I can't deny these feelings. 
(Brain) You can't, but I can; thy lips shant speak.
(Heart) Brain, you are being mean. No matter how pokerface you'll be, thy eyes can't tell lies.
(Brain) But before anyone can see your tinted eyes, my body language and words would have told them otherwise. 
(Heart) You're such a bully! Why are you doing this to me? I'm hurting on the inside.
(Brain) It's for your own good. You won't understand it now, but in due time.
(Heart) Its so hard. The feelings are killing me on the inside. But no one should know.

Usurp.

Like the colours, it's taking over.

I need help, but sadly no one really hears me anymore.

The ones who listen, I doubt their interests in the matter.

Sometimes people just want the juicy details, and aren't actually too keen on helping you out.

I know a bunch who are so called 'concerned friends'.

I don't need this right now.

Honestly want to just give every damn person a piece of my mind.

Not everyone but those few whose friendship I actually cared too much to let go.

But now, while impregnated with these emotions, 

I would seriously want to give you the whole load that's on my mind.

You have no idea how much I let slide, not to mention repressing hurt just so that YOU won't get hurt.

Yes, I know you did not ask me to do so.

It was all out of my own will, or CARE if I should say.

I'm not perfect either. I know I have flaws.

Some flaws which I can't see myself but reflected through others.

But I'm thankful to those who are there to care.

I actually treat my friends as friends, and some even family.

So, Thank you for not appreciating it.

Honestly, I am offended.

I know when I'm wanted and not.

I don't need this no more.

I need new people now.

I need superheroes. 

You know why?

Because they are the ones who can be trusted with secrets.

Because they are that good at keeping their own.

And at least, they'd be there for those in distress.

Not needing any pleading or the extend begging for help then only a hand would be extended.

Applications are opened to anyone who wants to apply.

Possible, only from a distance.

If you love someone, tell him or her. Forget about the rules or the fear of looking ridiculous. What is truly ridiculous is passing up on an opportunity to tell someone that your heart is invested in him or her.

Truly; gain the balls to tell.

Though saying is easier than doing it. I know it is, because constantly its a struggle. Seeing you, happy without me, just hurts, but nothing beats hurting more than knowing you're sad and it was because of me.

Someone once said that it really isn't worth the trouble because at the end of it, they always leave. I seriously disagree, because if you don't show that person that you care enough to fight for them, then you really aren't giving them a reason to stay, right? But now I'm tired. Really tired of the constant rejection. I wish I could stop caring. I wish I could just stop, but I'm not strong enough to not care. It really is harder than it seems. This really seems like a competition to see who could care less. I guess I'm truly ridiculous now, seating time and brain cells, not to mention countless streaks of salty liquid down these cheeks. Firstly caring, then perhaps caring too much, then debating not to care, followed by countless tries of killing these thoughts. At the end of it, I still end up at the start, which stinks! Completely befuddled.

Only from a distance.

Drained.

Wanting to wait for you,
but you keep telling me no.
Are you afraid of the word 'wait'?
Or is it just that it's me?

I'm trying my best,
doing everything in my power
to hold things together.
It seemed easier in my head.

Sometimes it just feels so tiring,
because it feels like I'm alone in this.
Damned feelings just creep in unannounced.
Causing me to lose grip.

Grazing even more to pick up from that loss, even for a moment.

I just need to know
that all I'm doing here, now,
is not another waste.

Be that difference to prove me right.

I need to know.
That you having me around,
is not out of pity,
but love and grace.

I'm not asking for much,
Just some reassurance.
Because right now it just feels like a one-man-show.
Resources depleting, yet there're so many others to replenish for.

Refill me, please?
This vessel is so deprived.

Secret bygone tears.

 

It strikes without a sign
Bringing everything back to where it use to be
Mentioning happiness and joy
The things she can't keep. 

Minutes before this, I got on her blog again. Reading more teary postsrecently, hardly a happy note.
Her words, situation, and songs,
brought sharp pain to my chest.
Talking about trust.
Professing love so reachable yet still so distant.
Being pushed away.
Sometimes left aside; forgotten.
Describing pain.
One after another, it hits.
Always being hurt, by people around.
Often gone unheard, and evidently only her blog hears her screams.
Keeping secrets of her bygone tears.
Reading line after line,
Paragraph after paragraph,
The image of her crying,
Tears trickling down,
Every emotion filled streak,
I wish you were here.
I want to be there. 

Counting on diamond.

How can a rock stay so strong for so long?
Even after being countlessly run over by cars, lorries and vans.
Squished by feet with boots, shoes and heels.
Hit with infinite salt and waves.

Only those who can and would endure the pressure
will finally turn into a rock everyone wants.
But where do they find the fuel to stay strong?

It's so hard.
Even more so when the ones whom were once the fuel
are now the ones in the driver seats.

No one said it would be easy, but no one said it would be this hard.

I'm just counting on my diamond.

My strength and weakness.

Turn me, diamond.

Drowning Fantasy.

Too many dreams to live.

Wishing to be pixelated,

Wishing to be aside from reality,

Hopefully not something other than pure fantasy. 

 

If only it was that easy to turn words into reality.

If only it weren't so easy to constantly reach near the edge.

If only giving up was not a given option.  

Though some would argue that you can say that it isn't. 

Sticks and stones may break her bones,

Words and feelings may just kill you.

There are a million reasons to call quits.

Only one to keep on trucking. 

Like a needle;

Fixing and mending.    Creating and altering.

But also like a needle, in a hay of negativity, it too will get lost.

Holding on tight and trying hard not to lose sight of it. 

Just hope that you'll be the light,

leading the way to the finish line.