What Are We Afraid Of?

Both shallow and deep

An answer;

Both hungry and weak

Some often too bold to speak

"Roaches, reptile, aging" girls they squeak

"Death" or "empty accounts," probably

Every three other weeks

Honest feeling,

rarely they speak

Rejection, condemnation

what more do you seek?

A masked persona

We put on exilic

To speak untruths - "it's okay"

While crying creeks

what do we fear?

Emotional leaks.

"Everyone is afraid of something. We fear things because we value them. We fear losing people because we love them. We fear dying because we value being alive. Don’t wish you didn’t fear anything. All that would mean is that you didn’t feel anything." —  Cassandra Clare, Lord of Shadows

My biggest fear is that eventually, you'll see me as I see myself.

Sponged.

Untouched, it seems just as it is.
Even if its torn, or broken up.
It works brilliantly,
taking in any liquid; both clear or polluted, coloured or colourless.




...but like everything else, it has its limits.
Steadily broken.


I tried, and now I don't think I can feel again.
Why? I don't understand why.
I don't even know if I want to know why.
I'm tired of being a sponge.

Is it so hard to love and not be hurt?
It's easy to love. But it is hard to love and not be loved in return.
Why can't I love and not expect you to love me back?
Why can't I care and be happy for you not caring?

Kindly tell me if you do, or do not.
And put me out of my misery.
Sometimes I have a feeling, 
that this is to get back at me for breaking your heart once upon a time ago.
I had my reasons. I still do. 
If only you knew.. then maybe you'll see me differently.

I guess only God can do that.
I'm not God, but I'm a workaholic.
Maybe that's how Spongebob stays so happy, with his krabby patties.

Receiving end.

 

I can get overly emotional. I say too much. Care too much. Express too little. I may not be the prettiest or flawless flower in the field. But I will love you, and every part of you there is to offer. I will see your flaws, and I will love them just as much as I love your strengths. I will be the one to kiss your lips awake in the morning; and sing you to sleep at night. I will love you so deeply that even the ocean would be jealous. I have many flaws; but loving you is not one of them.

Veiled Mannequin.

Faceless and hollow.

  Her face fading,     

Lips chapping, 

Body shading.

That happens to a tuned out porcelain.

Staring out the same old window,

Looking at strangers' faces pass.

One look is all she gets.

Not a turn, not a wink, 

not a tinge of a smile 

even when she's at her best.

Longing so bad for an acknowledge or two,

Wanting more; a greeting from another.

She's living but barely breathing.

A voice broke,

Full figured with a firm smile, was

All she saw through the reflection off the window pane,

He was,

Limbless to the core,

Lying gently on the floor,

Watching for on coming feet,

Hoping the next would not stomp over him.

His limbs were hers,

Replacing her broken,

He prays for the day she would come to realise she's not alone.

Laughed not.

Its funny how hello is always followed with goodbye,
Its funny how good memories can make you want to cry,
Its funny how forever never seems to last,
Its funny how much you'd loose if you forgot about your past,
Its funny how 'friends' can just leave you when you're down,
Its funny how when you need someone they're never around,
Its funny how people change and think they're so much better,
Its funny how many lies are packed into one 'love letter'
Its funny how people forgive, even though they can't forget,
Its funny how one night can contain so much regret,
Its funny how ironic life turns out to be,
But the funniest thing of all is...
...none of that's funny to me.

Priorities.

Bruised.

Torn.

Used.

Worn. 

Putting what she thought should be first,

but seeing other things slipping away.

This.

That.

If only.
You.

Odds seems against this.

The decisions, the ones she had to make.

Frus.

Vexed.

Crust.

Taxed. 

I wish you knew.

Of these heart's aches.

No one wants to be alone in this game.

What are words.

   

Remember what you said?

I do. With heart-felt emotions at that.

The Mermaid.

The mermaid found a swimming lad,

Picked him for her own,

Pressed her body to his body,

Laughed; and plunging down

Forgot in cruel happiness

That even lovers drown.

Lone crowd.

: I’m telling you, there’s nothing wrong with being lonely sometimes,

 it’s okay, you’ll be alright.

Do you know why people hate to admit they are lonely? It’s because when you do, everyone thinks that something is wrong with you. They think “I have people in my life, why don’t you?” But the strange thing is, you can have people in your life and still be alone. 

Because sometimes people do…

Jarred.

I've tried.

I honestly have.

But I can't find the key to this catastrophic mess.

Emotions locked away.

Is there any other mean of retrieval?

Or would it be for good?

Tell me there'll be another boxing day.

Meanwhile fill tears to my eyes.
cos I'll just be hoping for a good cry.

Some bad rhyming.

Hand in hand,

Arms wound tight.

Side by side.

Like left and right.

Two talk and listen,

with a gaze or two.

My eyes are fixed,

On only you.

Sipping your drink,

Stealing spoonfuls,

Pinching those cheeks,

which only I do.

Going on rides,

both in the car,

Stopping for drinks,

not way too far.

Glisten stars,

we often see.

Way way up,

like you and me.

Perhaps those were memories,

Though they seem so true.

Perhaps they were illusions,

Oh what a rue.

Wouldn't it be funny,

With a kick of scare,

If all this while,

Was some ghost affair.

Like the movie,

You saw, not me.

Though I peaked a little, 

Hoping not to pee.

Maybe like the movie,

At the end, it seems,

That it was a ghost story,

Where the girl gleams.

Random thought,

another 'what if',

Say if it were true,

What ever would you do?

Words you say.

We’ve all been hurt by words before. So before you speak, think about how your words might effect someone else.

Something on.

 

Everyone wears a mask.

Whether it is a mask of sadness, pain, laughter, or (most common) happiness, we all put on one just to hide the person we really are on the inside. Our faults, our feelings, our insecurities, our weaknesses, are all hiding behind this mask for it really is easier to fake what we are feeling than to try and explain our problems to someone who won’t ever understands. With that mask, we pretend to be someone we’re not. We restrain ourselves from being our own individual for we are afraid of what others would think once the masks is gone. This mask prevents us from acting like our true self and will not be taken off unless we’re surrounded by the people closest to us. In a way, the masks we wear are a type of self-protection. It protects us from getting hurt, feeling excluded, and feeling like we don’t belong just because we’re different.

Sing me my lullaby.

 

The past few days and the couple more ahead would be the most stressful days I would have ever faced in my entire life. Don't think I've gone through anytime when it felt like this. Holding it as much as I can. It takes little to trigger it, but I'm trying to stay strong and not breakdown. 

The rain, it calms me. Literally been staring at my screen to the window of pouring rain for hours now. It's my antidote, it keeps me still, and hopefully the thunder would sing me my lullaby.

Fag end.

It's amazing how at one point in our lives we will be extremely close with someone and then later they will become a complete stranger. You will pass by them without a word. Without a single acknowledging look. This person, who once knew you so well, who once knew your fears, your desires, your dreams, your past, is now walking right past you, seeing right through you.

Why?

 Her; She's in her room, sitting on the floor, blocking the door so no one bothers her. With the music up loud, playing his favourite songs, and all of theirs. She has her phone in her hand hoping and wishing he'd text or call. Makeup running down her face from all the tears she can't help from falling down slowly. Replaying all of their memories and fun times, but mostly their last conversation. Wishing she said things differently than she did, thinking to herself she'll never ever get him back.


Him; He's in his room. Laying on his bed, his phone off. The music on, with the volume up high. Stuff thrown everywhere. His eyes red from crying and the door locked so no one could enter. Replaying their last conversation in his head, thinking of what to do but not sure, so whatever, thinking so much, he's about to flip. Red hands from hitting things. What if she never comes back?

Unsent Messages.

"Hey, I don't know if it's appropriate, or if the timing is right, but I have never stopped whatever there was when our lips first touched. You know the most agonizing part? I feel that it's only one sided now." 

"I hope you'll smile again like how you used to." 

"Could I get one hug? I know it's alot to ask. Could I have one long embrace? I miss how it feel like to be in your arms. I miss how it feels like to be the only girl in the world. I know this would be like talking to myself, but I really miss you. I don't think you miss me though. It's sad to stand at the sidelines, when I long so badly to go back into your circle. I do miss you." 

"Accidental touches. Not so accidental at all. Countless times I wanted to just hold your hand. People, I would say were the obstacle. Are you avoiding me? It's funny, I find it so hard to find a single moment where there's just you and me. It's so hard to get the guts to say those words, but when I finally do, there are always people around, and I'm not okay." 

"Worst case scenarios come into my mind. I really don't think I can accept it, I don't think I could ever go through your rejection. Not now, not when I'm so close to the finishing line. Maybe I'm selfish, but I know that I wouldn't be able to cope if it ever came to whatever it is that happened in my mind. -And if that happens, I won't have anyone to pull me up again. I'll lose you." 

"I wonder if it's mutual?" 

"I know I'm being silly. I don't know why I care so much when it seems like I'm caressing something that's behind these thick walls. It's like being in a zoo, where you want so badly to bring the tiger cub home, but it's in a den, and all I can do is just stare and wonder. Perhaps if I'm lucky, the cub might come closer, and the nearest I could have is a stroke or a pat." 

"Know that you've loved. I love you." 

"I really just want to say that I love you and it's been suppressed for so long for it was agonizing, but  it seemed like it resurfaced again. I want to spend time with you again, but I know you don't want to. Perhaps I'm too late. I lost the love I loved the most." 

"Hey you, you know what's funny? I actually almost cried while in your car the other day. The song, maybe you weren't directing it to me. But I felt that I was literally 'Jack Sparrow' with the jar. I felt so ashamed and hurting on the inside that I almost ran out of the car. I really hope that the heart is still with me if it is so. At least, you're still with me. And yes, it's Captain Jack Sparrow." 

"You know what's soooo silly? I've been dreaming of you. I kept imagining you around. But, you're not. Haha, ain't it just silly of me? I feel so silly." 

"Do you remember that song? It was a hit then, the radio was playing it, in your car. I was sitting at the back seat, staring in the sky. Even in daytime. My wishes upon all the aeroplanes....was only one. It starts with a capital U." 

"You are the only exception - Paramore" 

"I wish you wouldn't label me with such mere unimportance. It feels like you're ignoring me ): But who am I that you should give priority to? I guess, I'll just stay here, waiting."

Sad's sadness.

The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. 

You know, when Sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, 

“No, I’m happy for you.” 

That’s when it’s really sad.

Questionmark.

Thou art the fairest of them all.

Don't thee deny!

Shalt that happen,

Thou hast to agnise, that 

To me, fairest wilt not be enough to ever exemplify thee.

I'm no poet,

yet I wonder,

how one look

could cause such plunder.

You make me poesy,

lyrically insane.

Driving me nuts,

just out of my brain.

Fairest one of all,

wherefore art thou?

Pilfer my heart, nimmed my soul,

Where oh where art thou?

On the roads, or

in confined squares,

You are always on my mind.

Never to not be.

A look out,

To stalk, 

Hunting, every fair lady,

In hopes of meeting you.

Gosh, do I need to get you out of my head "." / "?"

Boundaries.

 

I'm sorry I constantly want to talk to you. I'm sorry when you take long to reply, I get sad. I'm sorry if I say things that might piss you off. I'm sorry if I come off as annoying. I'm sorry if you don't want to talk to me as much as I do you. I'm sorry if I think about you too much and too often. I'm sorry if I tell you about my pointless drama when you don't really care. I'm sorry if I come off as being clingy, but it's just me, missing you.