I feel you. (This is for you BabyGirl.)

To:

My bestest of best friends.

My baby, my sweetheart, my 宝贝.

This will be a very long letter for you. All my memories, my everything that I had with you.

Before I start anything else, I just gotta wish you a very Happy Birthday! Though I'm 5days (18/1) early, but I'm afraid I wouldn't have the chance anymore. So, Happy Birthday babygirl. You will always be loved.

You! 

You have always been there for me.

Counting back the times we've been together, it has already been 11 years. You're officially 15 this year, and I remember you coming to me when I'm about the age of 10. You arrive a few months before my grandmother passed away. I remember you constantly got blamed for looking like her (your eyes), and how dad disliked you. But that made me just want to protect and love you more. (My baby)

After those years when I was a kid, and you were 4years of age, came puberty and being hormonally unstable with emotions I knew nothing of. You! It was you, who was always there, and still you are here for/with me. Getting me through human limitations, getting through lies and betrayals, just by being you. You never gave me advice or comforting words, but you being there and wiping my tears was just what I needed.

You! are perfect.

You! are my first love.

You! the one I lost my first kiss to. (though some people really don't exactly take that into account because you're you, and I'm me, and it just didn't seem possible for me to fall for you and love you with all my heart. But I did, never regretted a day of it!)

Remember those days when you would hide under the table and I would sneak snacks under it just for you? And mom would always nag me for doing that. Dad disliked the whole idea of it. But they came to acceptance, especially daddy. He loved you and took care of you when the whole family wasn't there, only him and you. How the years have changed him. Although you are still the same and even more mischievous rascal I've let into my room. (I always missed your warmth, your kisses, the allergies you gave me.)

But you've given me a few surprises though everyday you give mom, dad, bro and I a few predictable surprises. Your unpredictable surprises had always and still brought me to tears. The few times I cried my eyes and heart out while having you in my arms. Wrapped with warmth and embrace. Mummy will always be the one catching me hugging you whilst crying in the room. The shock on her face now brings a little smile to my face, but her speechlessness, even just for those few moments will always be held serious. Then she'll come comfort me and tell me that you'll be alright. And indeed, always you have. (I have some silly pictures of you when you were given anesthetic, and was partially conscious. You looked so cute in the pictures. But gave me jitters before those pictures were taken.)

Going to university to continue my studies have made me neglect you the first year when I was in Foundation. I really did miss you. Hugging a plushie just isn't even close compared to having you next to me. Every week when I return home, you're usually the first I'd see at the door or at home, because everyone else would be out at work or school. You used to be so excited to see me coming home. And would share meals I brought back with me. (which some were sometimes a little too spicy for you and made you purge afterwards.)

The saddest part about my second semester at uni was that slowly you grew attached to mummy, daddy and brother dear. I couldn't make it back home every weekend, sometimes a month only once. You were getting older as the months passed. Soon enough, I was forgotten by you. You would not even hear me calling. Or come listen to me playing your favourite pieces from Mozart or Beethoven. Not even when I want to share snacks with you. You would stick to brother dear and would leave me alone there sitting by the couch. (Honest to say, I really missed those times when we were closer.)

But then, you followed me to university. Being my roommate and the missing pieces just patched itself back. Everything was alright until you started getting ahead of yourself and messing up the whole place. I guess I had a part in messing it up, but at that point, I really couldn't bare living with you. (I regret not spending more time with you.)

Now, it's been 5-6hours now that I've spent solid time with you (other than going to the loo a couple of times), keeping you warm, feeding and warming up your cold body. Not to mention 5-6hours of pure tears as well. Seeing you starting out by limping scared me. Now you can hardly bend you legs. You've been at this for the past few hours, and I know how agonizing it is for you. I can see it by the way you breathe. Your heartbeats are quick yet shallow. You've been crying that long. I really can't bare watching you suffer like this. I really wanted to give you some chocolate, hoping you'd eat it and just sleep. But I can't possibly do that to you. It's the one decision hardest for me to make. But I prayed you'd sleep or get some rest, at least you would not have to think or feel the pain that much when you're asleep. But you cannot fall asleep. I guess the pain is killing you inside, just as it is killing me to see you like this. (My heart pains for you my love, it does.)

宝贝!

Just a couple of hours left.

You've settled down a little. I guess you're starting to feel tired now.

"The lights are dimmed, fan is off, please fall asleep baby."

Three words kept repeating from my mouth to her ears. "I love you."

It's now 3.40am. Just another 3hours and 20 minutes. Hang in there! I'll get you to the state 'I' (my hometown) to the specialist! I hate how they don't open 24hours and how incompetent state 'K' is to not have baby's specialist. Not even a doctor with of that expertise! Tsk!

But, that's the frustration talking. I dare not sleep for the fear of you not being there anymore once I've awaken. But I need to stay awake later to drive us there safely. I just wish time would move faster (x32) now. This has got to be one of the longest nights ever. 宝贝, funny how most of my longest nights are also because of your surprises. But I treasure all the time I spent with you during these difficult hours.

Now now. Here here.

Please do not cry anymore. You'll wake up the neighbours.

I know you're in pain. I feel you. [Forever hugs.]

There, there. [Sings songs] I know how much you love listening to music and singing. I hope you'll calm down and as I sing to you, my prayers in the songs are all for you. I really hope you'll get better, and that there will be a cure for your condition. I'm afraid of decisions as tough as the one I have to make tomorrow if there is no plausible treatment. God forbid that to happen please.

Please get well soon my love. I will be awaiting good news.

Love,

_________Me.

(To all reading, fingers crossed please. Pray my baby will come out of this fine. Please and thank you!)

I  really do love her.