Merci Beaucoup Co Capitaine.

When it hurts to look back, 

and you’re scared to look ahead, 

you can look beside you 

and your best friend will be there.

Honestly it's scary, it's all oh-so-confusing and nothing seems to make sense anymore. I never thought anyone would be this hard to pull away from. Falling so hard, landing so hard, why weren't you there to catch my fall or did I fall too soon even before you knew? Perhaps. But it isn't only that. Falling in all the different same places. It's just a different place, but the same dug hole. When you think it's over, after countless times of doubts and trying to open that treasure box, suddenly when you're not looking, there's the key, it was lying right there, right beneath your nose. All this time just there. Now it's just exhausting, but curiosity lingers still upon that box. Should it even be opened? To unleash something so unknown and unpredictable that  it could just be something so simple no one would ever expect it. Hands trembling to the notion of the key at hand. Should it be? Or may time just reveal itself? Patience is virtue as they say. Perhaps this advice should be heed by everyone. So far it has worked. Perhaps, just perhaps it would work again. The path ahead seems so unclear, so blurry. Almost blinded by it all. Blind faith, blind hope is what's left. So be it; that's the only thing that's fueling this vessel to destiny. At least after all of it, there will always be a co-captain beside the captain on any plane. 

 

Love Me.

“I must learn to love the fool in me—the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”

Theodore I. Rubin

Encore please.

Why is it that every time checked, 

you're just not in.

Everything was just sealed up.

Just one look from you just unsealed everything,

just like that; Snap!

You honestly do have a way of driving anyone insane.

Especially the one who tries stealing a specific organ from you.

She's just here.

Right in front of you.

I'm waiting.

But this wait feels endless and hopeless.

like waiting for rain in a drought.

A drought that does not seem to have an end.

The only rain here are for the ants.

Who feel these salty liquid come crashing down on them.

Flowing rivers of pointedly pointless streaks.

Waiting for a different sort of rain to stop this one right here.

You're that cloud.

Not bringing rain, but comes with sunshine.

Come intertwine with this broken cloud,

and maybe rainbows will spark.

That girl;

killed all her feelings.

Well at least she tried.

All she hoped was for him to turn around,

and tell her she's his forever.

His heart was hard to miss,

but She ran out of arrows.

Ripping her ribs out,

just to aim another.

Now this little frog waits some more.

Hoping for miracles of rain to hit.

He denies it all.

But deep down, 

you are the pool to it.

"Please come be the drought to this flood."
Sincerely; me.

Mending wings.

I'm not good with words to heal the soul.
Neither am I good with comforting you.
But these words I shall say to you.

Firstly that,

"You deserve to be happier."

Either that or, and

"You are so strong to make it this far."

I get what you're feeling.
I guess I don't or can't come up with words to say,
to ease your aching heart is because,
There is and there will not be no perfect words to comfort one in such situations.

Even the words before this would helpful much,
Especially when you're a hot pessimistic head like me.
In a stance. Not wanting to budge at all.
You have no idea how much strength it takes to pass one day by.

Having to shut your mind.
Cursing your heart for betraying you.
Having your guard down.
Letting those sorrows creep back in.
Having someone controlling your arm,
gripping that blade,
Stabbing so hard.
Or just fail brain orders
and plunging one's self straight on towards your knife.
That may pass through diamond with no blinks of the eye.

Be strong.
You have been for so long.
Cocoon harder if it helps keep your heart safe.
But don't allow it to grow cold.
Let it not fade from the meaning; love.

You'll always have me here.
Though I may not have the right words.
I'll just stay silent by your side.
Hoping and waiting for your smile again.
You will be okay.
I know you will.
I'll try to make you better.
If it helps.

If you find yourself lost in a maze,
You can be sure to find that I'll be there beside you.
If you can't lead anymore,
Hold my hand, and I'll lend you strength,
Bringing you and I through.
Secretly, I'm leaning on you too.

"At least with our broken wings,

We'll have a perfect working pair by leaning on each other.
It will be you and I in the air. "

My killer remedy.

“Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets & takes its own punishment in silence.” 

— Dorothea Dix

Today shall be the day. 

I always thought that confessions or just being honest with my feelings to you or to anyone would be a sign that I'm sincere and honest. Apparently I was wrong. Now I see, everyone including you just seem to think of it as a mere sign of weakness. Being naive. Oh so innocent to be the best opportunity to play a fool off or just sheer being taken advantage off. Mysterious, I've been there and done that. Somehow back then, people want to see how much I have inside and would do just anything to know. Even to be my friend just to see the secrets within and then rip my heart out as a trophy for the world to see. I've tried to be more open and share more about my feelings. Now I see, that was the first ever mistake I've been doing and now it's too late. 

I always thought that a little disclosure at least to the one significant to you would be nice. To share your inner thoughts, or sometimes a piece of your mind. I wanted someone to share their thoughts with me. I guess I was not ready. I can't take those criticisms you had for me. Harsh as they were, I put up to them. Just secretly screaming on the inside. Maybe what Dorothea Dix said isn't exactly true. Who is to say that it is not though? Any takers to prove Dix wrong? Even you said it was a weakness. One which I had too much. 

I've been down that road and bottling up my insides wasn't exactly the vehicle of choice. It ended up in a series of manic episodes which somehow no one significant knows. I've told all those I deemed worthy to hear and know. I didn't want anyone to have anything against me. This wasn't a secret for you to use against me. So the whole world knows. Only those hearts are with their ears heard the cries of that broken story's soul. How many? I often wonder. I guess my right hand could tell you so.

 

Now I shall keep these lips sealed. So seal that not a secret, not a thought should you hear. My face has been so attached to this mask that it's unbearable ripping it out anymore. Perhaps I should just stick to it or layer it some more with another as the event deems suited. Mark my words. Only maybe one day, or someday. On the other verge of falling over the edge shall they be told. Once again, here's my heart singing it's mirrorlodic song, reciting it's own sick rhymes in the dark, upon the edge of that black window silk for all the night creatures to sing along to it. This is my remedy. Wish hard for my heart will let the cat out of the bag, for he is the one that betrays this mind. Murder should be attempt. 

Your monster.

I don't know if there is a connection to it all but this year, my pets keep dying on me. Those I own and love alot. First my all time love; Musang. Then a few weeks after, Dutchess. Then two new hoglets which I saved and adored. Then their father; Manson. Recently, a few days back, my oldest living pet since I was 7 years up until now, Mary. I'm wondering if there is a significance to it because then just two days ago, I lost a sister, a dear friend and a darling.

"Gone with the old and in with the new?"

I'm not sane right now.
Shutting off all emotions now at least to the things which hurts most.
Until I know what to do.
Or maybe just leave it as it is for you've left.
It just seems like me running this pace alone now.
Maybe I should quit.
I honestly don't know.
One thing's for sure, I'm not shedding another tear for you again.
You're not worth my tears.
I never meant to hurt you because I love you too much to hurt you.
Your behavior and judgment is unacceptable to me.
I have to kill my angel side now.
I need to stop thinking for you now because it's too much of hurting to me.
You and your people have already labelled us.
So be it. This is me, your monster.
The monster you have resist.

You're just a sculpture that still moves in the museum of my mind. .

So keep walking. 

Art shouldn't stop for anyone.

Forever consists of nows.

.

The hardest part is always wanting to be with each other. But the only thing that makes it easier, is using every alternative method there is to be together. Phone, webcamming, etc. Settling for what we have at the moment pays off in the end though.  It’s a test. Seeing how much we really want to be together. Whether we want to enough, to be patient and deal with all the bullshit that happens before the next time we see each other, or finding out that it was all just a waste of time and effort. I don’t want it to be a waste of time. I don’t think you do either. But until then, I’ll be happy with what we can have right now. Because a little bit of something is better than a whole lot of nothing. And a little bit of something means a whole lot of everything if it’s with you. 

The escape.

Take me away.
Bring me with you in that plane.
I want to leave this place.
I only want to be with you.

I know I may be fixated about things.
Tulips tell what my heart is to you now.
Can I just make you my obsession.
You're my perfect distraction.

I want to see the sky.
Holding hands on this flight.
Just you and I.
and maybe just our medication.

Wine on it.

I tried.
I did.
I think I did.
Maybe I didn't try hard enough.

I don't like it being so one sided.
Yes it has been us all along.
I don't want an end.
But you scream out.
I don't like all this silent yelling.

I want it mended.
Why can't you or anyone see it.
Perhaps I'm not trying hard enough.
I need more strength to go on.

Trust is now broken.
All I can think of is a snake that could be behind it.
I shouldn't think so.
But I know that a crumpled paper can't be straight again.

Perhaps we'll have our last words.
Those tears shed.
They've made us all tired.
We're all broken now.

I try not to care.
But how can I not care?
Should I be more selfish and harden this heart to hurt?
Or maybe I already am and this mask is not coming off.
I'm pulling and it's ripping my flesh along.
I'm sorry. This hurts. It hurts.

Poof.

“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world. 
Not even our troubles.” 
— Charles Chaplin

 

 “Nothing is permanent in this wicked world. 
Not even our troubles.” 
— Charles Chaplin

Make a fist and put it in the center of the picture. 

It looks like the dots are moving ten times faster.

 

"The first duty of love is to listen." - Paul Tillich

 

 

To you Mr [D]arcy.

My daily dose of responsibility.

Back to base.

Home at last!
Hectic journey it was.
Loads of fun, and tears for some.
I did not crave sleep for I yearned for time with you.
All those times were gold.

Unfortunately jet lag started all over.
Everything seems to be back at square one.
Or perhaps square zero where it is all the same old problems again.
Not even a week gone,
and the problem is seemingly growing.

Are you mad?
Is it because of jelly?
I want to know.
But seemed like you wanted all bonds broken.

What am I to do?
The right thing? or what makes me happy?
Because somehow, there is no both in this tied up twist.
What am I to do?

One thing's for sure.
More posts on what went down the pass days I had no internet.
Perhaps the puzzle might just fit itself together.
Perhaps.