Mending wings.

I'm not good with words to heal the soul.
Neither am I good with comforting you.
But these words I shall say to you.

Firstly that,

"You deserve to be happier."

Either that or, and

"You are so strong to make it this far."

I get what you're feeling.
I guess I don't or can't come up with words to say,
to ease your aching heart is because,
There is and there will not be no perfect words to comfort one in such situations.

Even the words before this would helpful much,
Especially when you're a hot pessimistic head like me.
In a stance. Not wanting to budge at all.
You have no idea how much strength it takes to pass one day by.

Having to shut your mind.
Cursing your heart for betraying you.
Having your guard down.
Letting those sorrows creep back in.
Having someone controlling your arm,
gripping that blade,
Stabbing so hard.
Or just fail brain orders
and plunging one's self straight on towards your knife.
That may pass through diamond with no blinks of the eye.

Be strong.
You have been for so long.
Cocoon harder if it helps keep your heart safe.
But don't allow it to grow cold.
Let it not fade from the meaning; love.

You'll always have me here.
Though I may not have the right words.
I'll just stay silent by your side.
Hoping and waiting for your smile again.
You will be okay.
I know you will.
I'll try to make you better.
If it helps.

If you find yourself lost in a maze,
You can be sure to find that I'll be there beside you.
If you can't lead anymore,
Hold my hand, and I'll lend you strength,
Bringing you and I through.
Secretly, I'm leaning on you too.

"At least with our broken wings,

We'll have a perfect working pair by leaning on each other.
It will be you and I in the air. "

My killer remedy.

“Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets & takes its own punishment in silence.” 

— Dorothea Dix

Today shall be the day. 

I always thought that confessions or just being honest with my feelings to you or to anyone would be a sign that I'm sincere and honest. Apparently I was wrong. Now I see, everyone including you just seem to think of it as a mere sign of weakness. Being naive. Oh so innocent to be the best opportunity to play a fool off or just sheer being taken advantage off. Mysterious, I've been there and done that. Somehow back then, people want to see how much I have inside and would do just anything to know. Even to be my friend just to see the secrets within and then rip my heart out as a trophy for the world to see. I've tried to be more open and share more about my feelings. Now I see, that was the first ever mistake I've been doing and now it's too late. 

I always thought that a little disclosure at least to the one significant to you would be nice. To share your inner thoughts, or sometimes a piece of your mind. I wanted someone to share their thoughts with me. I guess I was not ready. I can't take those criticisms you had for me. Harsh as they were, I put up to them. Just secretly screaming on the inside. Maybe what Dorothea Dix said isn't exactly true. Who is to say that it is not though? Any takers to prove Dix wrong? Even you said it was a weakness. One which I had too much. 

I've been down that road and bottling up my insides wasn't exactly the vehicle of choice. It ended up in a series of manic episodes which somehow no one significant knows. I've told all those I deemed worthy to hear and know. I didn't want anyone to have anything against me. This wasn't a secret for you to use against me. So the whole world knows. Only those hearts are with their ears heard the cries of that broken story's soul. How many? I often wonder. I guess my right hand could tell you so.

 

Now I shall keep these lips sealed. So seal that not a secret, not a thought should you hear. My face has been so attached to this mask that it's unbearable ripping it out anymore. Perhaps I should just stick to it or layer it some more with another as the event deems suited. Mark my words. Only maybe one day, or someday. On the other verge of falling over the edge shall they be told. Once again, here's my heart singing it's mirrorlodic song, reciting it's own sick rhymes in the dark, upon the edge of that black window silk for all the night creatures to sing along to it. This is my remedy. Wish hard for my heart will let the cat out of the bag, for he is the one that betrays this mind. Murder should be attempt. 

Your monster.

I don't know if there is a connection to it all but this year, my pets keep dying on me. Those I own and love alot. First my all time love; Musang. Then a few weeks after, Dutchess. Then two new hoglets which I saved and adored. Then their father; Manson. Recently, a few days back, my oldest living pet since I was 7 years up until now, Mary. I'm wondering if there is a significance to it because then just two days ago, I lost a sister, a dear friend and a darling.

"Gone with the old and in with the new?"

I'm not sane right now.
Shutting off all emotions now at least to the things which hurts most.
Until I know what to do.
Or maybe just leave it as it is for you've left.
It just seems like me running this pace alone now.
Maybe I should quit.
I honestly don't know.
One thing's for sure, I'm not shedding another tear for you again.
You're not worth my tears.
I never meant to hurt you because I love you too much to hurt you.
Your behavior and judgment is unacceptable to me.
I have to kill my angel side now.
I need to stop thinking for you now because it's too much of hurting to me.
You and your people have already labelled us.
So be it. This is me, your monster.
The monster you have resist.

You're just a sculpture that still moves in the museum of my mind. .

So keep walking. 

Art shouldn't stop for anyone.

Forever consists of nows.

.

The hardest part is always wanting to be with each other. But the only thing that makes it easier, is using every alternative method there is to be together. Phone, webcamming, etc. Settling for what we have at the moment pays off in the end though.  It’s a test. Seeing how much we really want to be together. Whether we want to enough, to be patient and deal with all the bullshit that happens before the next time we see each other, or finding out that it was all just a waste of time and effort. I don’t want it to be a waste of time. I don’t think you do either. But until then, I’ll be happy with what we can have right now. Because a little bit of something is better than a whole lot of nothing. And a little bit of something means a whole lot of everything if it’s with you. 

The escape.

Take me away.
Bring me with you in that plane.
I want to leave this place.
I only want to be with you.

I know I may be fixated about things.
Tulips tell what my heart is to you now.
Can I just make you my obsession.
You're my perfect distraction.

I want to see the sky.
Holding hands on this flight.
Just you and I.
and maybe just our medication.

Wine on it.

I tried.
I did.
I think I did.
Maybe I didn't try hard enough.

I don't like it being so one sided.
Yes it has been us all along.
I don't want an end.
But you scream out.
I don't like all this silent yelling.

I want it mended.
Why can't you or anyone see it.
Perhaps I'm not trying hard enough.
I need more strength to go on.

Trust is now broken.
All I can think of is a snake that could be behind it.
I shouldn't think so.
But I know that a crumpled paper can't be straight again.

Perhaps we'll have our last words.
Those tears shed.
They've made us all tired.
We're all broken now.

I try not to care.
But how can I not care?
Should I be more selfish and harden this heart to hurt?
Or maybe I already am and this mask is not coming off.
I'm pulling and it's ripping my flesh along.
I'm sorry. This hurts. It hurts.

Poof.

“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world. 
Not even our troubles.” 
— Charles Chaplin

 

 “Nothing is permanent in this wicked world. 
Not even our troubles.” 
— Charles Chaplin

Make a fist and put it in the center of the picture. 

It looks like the dots are moving ten times faster.

 

"The first duty of love is to listen." - Paul Tillich

 

 

To you Mr [D]arcy.

My daily dose of responsibility.

Back to base.

Home at last!
Hectic journey it was.
Loads of fun, and tears for some.
I did not crave sleep for I yearned for time with you.
All those times were gold.

Unfortunately jet lag started all over.
Everything seems to be back at square one.
Or perhaps square zero where it is all the same old problems again.
Not even a week gone,
and the problem is seemingly growing.

Are you mad?
Is it because of jelly?
I want to know.
But seemed like you wanted all bonds broken.

What am I to do?
The right thing? or what makes me happy?
Because somehow, there is no both in this tied up twist.
What am I to do?

One thing's for sure.
More posts on what went down the pass days I had no internet.
Perhaps the puzzle might just fit itself together.
Perhaps.

Meet me there.

Today's the day.
The final countdown.
Hibernation here I come!

Oh dear mirror of mine.
I'm sorry for I might have to leave you awhile.
In time, In time. You'll be mine again.
As of today and now,
It's you and me tonight.

1+1=2

Simple math of why.

If I were to describe my smile and enthusiastic anticipation now. It would be this.

Yes. Why. Yes.
The things you're so admirable of.
Your life's journey.
The story it tells.
The brain in your head.
The heart in my hand.
And the wonderful melodious gift you have.

You still want to know why?
It's because........ (=

Word play.

Ebay Scam.... Be Careful!!!
My friend hassan spent RM550 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.

Bastard sent him a magnifying glass.

 Got this from facebook. A friend reposted from a friend.

Honestly, this cracked me up eventhough it wasn't meant to be something funny.
But I guess there are a few lessons to be learned from this.

1. Be thankful and grateful for who you are.

2. Don't play God.

3. Improve your English.

Because if you look at it carefully, it's a brilliant word play.
And by right, it wasn't exactly a scam.
Just ingenious! (Well at least to me) Teehee!

No signal.

You want honesty?

I don't want to lose someone like you.

She's not smiling. She's showing her teeth.

Yes. A rant this is.
If you can't take the heat just stay out of the kitchen.
If you're such a BOY to hold such grudges which were dated back to prehistoric times,
It's so clear now what my SYSTEM OF REASONING has told me.

Yes. This is my 'logic' overriding whatsoever I was taught to believe in.
If this is logic, then I know not what logic is.
'Stories' you don't know.
Why would you even dare make such conclusions?
Yes, they are in "..." for a reason.
And mind you, the word choice.

Tell me, would you believe me if I were to tell you a  "story" now?

I saw different sides of you.
Of the one I knew.
I just didn't think you could be so polygonal.
Especially now.

Perhaps it's your way of reviving yourself.
Whatever works for you. Even if it means digging up my grave along with it.

But know this.
Your words have been heard.
And as you said, knowing me.
My memory will remember.

______________Nothing personal.

Aviator.

New shades for a new mood.

Bought in such a bad mood.

Neck wear, it's all good.

You gotta know that it's all you.

Hungry.

Pizza Burger. Burger King’s New York Pizza Burger has over 2,500 calories.






Pineberries. A mix of white strawberries and pineapples.



Bacon Turtleburger. Handmade ground beef patties, topped with sharp cheddar cheese and wrapped in a bacon weave.



Recursive Pizza. Twenty mini pizzas were used as toppings on one large pizza.



Pizza Taco. Pizza and Taco in one!

Day 6 with love.

Dear Future boyfriend,

Don’t promise me forever, don’t promise me the sun and sky. Don’t pretend to know you’ll never make me cry. Just hold me now and promise me you’ll try.

Love your future girlfriend.

Perfect crime.

You're my mezza mela.

 Let's you and me commit the perfect crime.

I'll steal your heart and you steal mine.

Druthers illusion.

There are things we don't want to happen, 

but have to accept; 

things we don't want to know, 

but have to learn, 

and people we can't live without, 

but have to let go. — JJ

Are you still....?

But, does this mean I lost my virginity to Avril Lavigne? D=

To be killed.

I can't sleep.
Day 9 was missed.
It makes sense but only if is worth it.
8 is the crazy number.
I wish I could make you my own.

I'm dry to the bone.
Dead and to the touch so cold.

I'm confused.
Curiosity draws me near.
I thought I should seek more.
But my diary fed me the answers.

I want to say so much.
Seems like I have no right to.
I want to ask to much.
Feels like I'll only be staking you with wood.
I feel like I NEED to.
But, I shall cease it all.

Maybe I shall take my own advice for once.
Or maybe way too many times.
But let's just call it a revelation.
Just my diary and me knows.

I still can't sleep.
I wish you were here.

Those dreams are back.
Even if it was a few second of shut eye.
I can't sleep.
They creep back into my dreams.
I see death.
My own it is.

I can't sleep.
I just want you here.

Patience is virtue.

For you. I will.

Technicolour.

You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about. ♥

Mon cœur est l'amour vous mon. A picture's worth a thousand words. And that picture just says it all. Even though it isn't as complete as I wanted the numbers to be; 7. Unknowingly, it is. Because there are 7 different sky there. The open sky and 6 being bottled up. Dearest bunny. I think it's fate I found the earlier picture of a bunny wrapped in yellow towel. Similarity familiarity. This would be a post for tomorrow, for day 7, but I just love how the words fall in place of this thought and picture perfect, so perfect. Only you make me fluctuate like the unstable weather I have around. One moment temperature that only you can do. The queer good feeling, YES, only those found in novels, those love stories. It is just unexplainable and fuzzy in all the warm and cold places.Ang aking puso longs para sa iyo.

Innuendo sealed lips.

Someone kill me now.
There's only need for one.
Tell me your secrets and kill me already.

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

Too many.
That's what it is.
I know too much. I dare not want to know anymore.
I'm afraid I can't keep it in.
Your words so strong.
It's so hard to bind.

I wish I hadn't told you so much either.

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

And since both of us are still alive.
You know what that means.

Thank you for sharing it to the entire world.
Forgive me for I had not known secrets were to be shared.
I did not consider it either.
And shant stoop so low ever.

Thank you for eluding whatsoever trust you had with me.
You shall hear no more from me.
For, two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.
And lucky you, I am the walking deceased. 

Mr D.

I want it to be something like Pride and Prejudice.
If you were to watch the 2005 version with Keira Knightly and Matthew McFayden.
Then yes, that is the one in which this 'scene' with that time would be from.
First would be at 1hr 48min.

Most wanted at 1hr 51min 15sec.
And lastly at 1hr 51min 48sec,
That feeling beaming from her 1hr 52min 28sec.
If you were to see the part after the credits.

 

I want that too Mr Darcy.  

TeeHee! I'm just a hardcore PP lover. (=
Cheers!