So Far Away.

Never feared for anything, never shamed but never free

A life that healed a broken heart with all that it could

Lived a life so endlessly, saw beyond what others see

I tried to heal your broken heart with all that I could

Will you stay? Will you stay away forever?

How do I live without the ones I love?

Time still turns the pages of the book its burned

Place and time always on my mind

I have so much to say but you're so far away

Plans of what our futures hold, foolish lies of growing old

It seems we're so invincible, the truth is so cold

A final song, a last request, a perfect chapter laid to rest

Now and then I try to find a place in my mind

Where you can stay, you can stay awake forever

Sleep tight, I'm not afraid

The ones that we love are here with me

Lay away a place for me

'Cause as soon as I'm done I'll be on my way

To live eternally

I love you, you were ready

The pain is strong enough despise

But I'll see you when he lets me

Your pain is gone, your hands are tied

So far away and I need you to know

So far away and I need you to, need you to know

My baby's right.

Awww. Anything For You.

Waking you up.

Boundaries.

 

I'm sorry I constantly want to talk to you. I'm sorry when you take long to reply, I get sad. I'm sorry if I say things that might piss you off. I'm sorry if I come off as annoying. I'm sorry if you don't want to talk to me as much as I do you. I'm sorry if I think about you too much and too often. I'm sorry if I tell you about my pointless drama when you don't really care. I'm sorry if I come off as being clingy, but it's just me, missing you.

Things would be fairer.

When the Winchesters meet Logic.

   

  

   

   

Half a Life.

Had feasted my eyes upon some words I know I should read, but wish I had not have read. It's 3:10am. It's funny, I feel like I'm on a surgery table or my wad's bed, and the doctor's announcing my time of death. Skylar Grey's 'Words' has been stuck in my mind. This and a few other songs. Maybe, just maybe, if I'm lucky, someone would read this and know that 'Words' would be one of the songs I want at my funeral. Perhaps if I'm lucky, someone would catch a few others as I go.

It's so loud inside my head.

With words that I should have said.

Mr Know-It-All, or rather Mr Fall-Out-Boy,

I have so much to tell you. So much that's been left unsaid. So much that has gone through my mind. Too much for my own good, and I'm pretty sure too much for your own good too. By guess, I'd say that you're exactly in my shoes as I am in yours. Everything's complicated for you, this I know. It's not that you want or like things complicated, but it just creeps in somehow or rather, like air, which even for your voided space it's inevitable not to have it; that's how illogical yet perplexed it is. 

I have died everyday

Waiting for you

You want to know something funny? I actually recently watch a Thai movie called; "A Crazy Little Thing Called Love", and it was the one foreign movie that made me cry. Thinking back to it, it reminds me so much of you and I. Especially the part where his bestfriend got involved in it and just before the bestfriend left, the main actor had to make a horrid promise, one that I don't think anyone should ever make. Well, you have to watch the movie to find out what it is. Maybe, just maybe, we are stuck, yet, in that stage, but maybe not forever. I hope we'll have their ending. 

I know I can't take one more step towards you.

There's just so much to contemplate. Not alot, just those few, but those are the main few. They too, were once a part of my life. I had lived with many jars, in which all those insults and backstabs I kept wrapped. Bottling up silent tears, to put up with those you call as friends. A contract was made, with the devil himself, to trade places with someone I have loved most. But that someone will never know these pain; the conditions to which was made an agreement. At least I know that, that part of the bargain is kept, being that others were all broken. I'm not looking for pity, no need to be sympathetic about it.

Nothing compares, no worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste.

It's been tormenting the past few days. Honestly, I missed the times we had. We could talk for hours, outdoors or in. Watching movies and eating the meals you made. Going out of my way to get you food which I think didn't really help you get better, but tried my best nursing you back. It made me feel useful, contributing and most of all wanted. Now, it's just so cold. You say you're busy, listening to your voice and the words typed, they both feel so differently. It felt that your voice wouldn't lie to me, but behind a screen your feelings hide from me. Shutting me out. Making me feel so ridiculous now, to even think that you would care for me again. Getting a text which felt like you were oh-so-leaving, yet wanting to stay. It made my heart utterly stop beating in those few moments. I know not what more to believe in.

Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

Now, I feel like those days have returned. My feelings are tormenting you. I honestly wish I could take back the feelings you felt for me. The pain you put yourself through. The suffering I put you through, watching a disaster happen everyday, yet to you it was pure hate. You were so strong to have gone through all that. I'm sorry, I wish I could take it all back. I know I shouldn't cause you the same pain again. I know I should just stay away. I know I shouldn't do it again. I know I shouldn't feel this way. But it's so hard to pretend that I don't care. Though you seem to be moving on now. I know I shouldn't ask you to stay. That's why I never said those words I wanted to say. And all day, all they do is keep screaming in my head. 

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited.

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight itI had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded. That for me, it isn't over.

I know you said that no matter what you do to fight for that person, to the extend of begging them to stay, yet the outcome would still be the same, and that they would leave anyways. But here's something I would like to say. If you had come back that day. If you had pulled me closer and stayed. If you had held on longer, I would have done everything to be back with you. I no longer have anything to lose. But I guess, it's none that's to be blamed. You were hurt, and getting fooled twice, that would be a shame. However if anyone's to be blamed, I'd say it would be me. Given a chance to say something, yet I lied and said it was nothing. I guess I'm not ready to hurt you again. I don't think I'll ever be ready for that. All I can say now is that, we were so close, yet silence we chose.

I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence

Fear is such a weak emotion thats why I despise it. We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth. So scared of what you think of me, I'm scared of even telling you.

But darling, I'll be the fool this time. I'll hold on to my silly illusions. My fantasy that someday, we will get this right. Someday when all the barriers in my head are gone, when I'm freed from my bonds. Because darling, you turned my sorrow into treasured gold, and that's what I've always wanted. For you to be happy. And now, even if it means that it is not with me. It's hard to say that I'll be happy too because I yearn so much to be the one that brings sparks to your eyes, but I'll just stay here, hidden; unread, indulging in my own memories of me and you.

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me. I have loved you for a thousand year. I'll love you for a thousand more.

Thank you for being there for me all this time. Eventhough I would've guessed that it'd kill you on the inside. Thank you for not pushing me away before. It means a world to me to know that at least in your eyes, I'm wanted. Thank you for helping me even when you yourself are in trouble. I truly am grateful. It hurts to even think that this is goodbye. I hope it isn't even close to it. I'm sorry for running around, leaving you scars, and tearing love apart. I'll just leave mine broken, so that the next time I use it, it'll be me who gets the cuts and sores. I really still care for you, but how can I love when I'm afraid to fall? I guess I'm just silly.

Believe in Miracles

Believe in your heart that 

something wonderful is about to happen. 

Love your life. 

Believe in your own powers, 

and your own potential, 

and in your own innate goodness. 

Wake every morning 

with the awe of just being alive. 

Discover each day the magnificent, 

awesome beauty in the world. 

Explore and embrace life in yourself 

and in everyone you see each day. 

Reach within to find your own specialness. 

Amaze yourself and rouse those around you 

to the potential of each new day. 

Don’t be afraid to admit 

that you are less than perfect; 

this is the essence of your humanity. 

Let those who love you help you. 

Trust enough to be able to take. 

Look with hope to the horizon of today, 

for today is all we truly have. 

Live this day well. 

Let a little sun out as well as in. 

Create your own rainbows. 

Be open to all your possibilities; 

all possibilities and Miracles.

Always believe in Miracles.

A Picture With You.

“A photograph never grows old. You and I change, people change all through the months and years but a photograph always remains the same. How nice to look at a photograph of mother or father taken many years ago. You see them as you remember them. But as people live on, they change completely. That is why I think a photograph can be kind.”— Albert Einstein

My paradox.

Self-Renunciation.

Compulsion.

I feel compelled,

to open my eyes to yours.

to inhale what is exhaled.

to watch you in your sleep.

to feel your warmth next to me.

to feel your heartbeat on my bare skin.

to go the less subtle way to just get you to notice me.

to want to be that reason for your smiles.

And you want to know a secret?

Yes, it was a hint.

Top 10 Relationship Words Not Translatable into English.

1. Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan, an indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego): The wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who desire to initiate something, but are both reluctant to start. Oh yes, this is an exquisite word, compressing a thrilling and scary relationship moment. It’s that delicious, cusp-y moment of imminent seduction. Neither of you has mustered the courage to make a move, yet. Hands haven’t been placed on knees; you’ve not kissed. But you’ve both conveyed enough to know that it will happen soon… very soon.
2. Yuanfen (Chinese): A relationship by fate or destiny. This is a complex concept. It draws on principles of predetermination in Chinese culture, which dictate relationships, encounters and affinities, mostly among lovers and friends.From what I glean, in common usage yuanfen means the “binding force” that links two people together in any relationship. 
   But interestingly, “fate” isn’t the same thing as “destiny.” Even if lovers are fated to find each other they may not end up together. The proverb, “have fate without destiny,” describes couples who meet, but who don’t stay together, for whatever reason. It’s interesting, to distinguish in love between the fated and the destined. Romantic comedies, of course, confound the two.
3. Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese): The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone’s hair.
4. Retrouvailles (French):  The happiness of meeting again after a long time. This is such a basic concept, and so familiar to the growing ranks of commuter relationships, or to a relationship of lovers, who see each other only periodically for intense bursts of pleasure. I’m surprised we don’t have any equivalent word for this subset of relationship bliss. It’s a handy one for modern life.
5. Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.
   Apparently, in 2004, this word won the award as the world’s most difficult to translate. Although at first, I thought it did have a clear phrase equivalent in English: It’s the “three strikes and you’re out” policy. But ilunga conveys a subtler concept, because the feelings are different with each “strike.” The word elegantly conveys the progression toward intolerance, and the different shades of emotion that we feel at each stop along the way. 
   Ilunga captures what I’ve described as the shade of gray complexity in marriages—Not abusive marriages, but marriages that involve infidelity, for example.  We’ve got tolerance, within reason, and we’ve got gradations of tolerance, and for different reasons. And then, we have our limit. The English language to describe this state of limits and tolerance flattens out the complexity into black and white, or binary code. You put up with it, or you don’t.  You “stick it out,” or not.
   Ilunga restores the gray scale, where many of us at least occasionally find ourselves in relationships, trying to love imperfect people who’ve failed us and whom we ourselves have failed.
6. La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have.
   When I came across this word I thought of “unrequited” love. It’s not quite the same, though. “Unrequited love” describes a relationship state, but not a state of mind. Unrequited love encompasses the lover who isn’t reciprocating, as well as the lover who desires. La douleur exquise gets at the emotional heartache, specifically, of being the one whose love is unreciprocated.
7. Koi No Yokan (Japanese): The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love. 
   This is different than “love at first sight,” since it implies that you might have a sense of imminent love, somewhere down the road, without yet feeling it. The term captures the intimation of inevitable love in the future, rather than the instant attraction implied by love at first sight.
8. Ya’aburnee (Arabic): “You bury me.” It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person, because of how difficult it would be to live without them.
   The online dictionary that lists this word calls it “morbid and beautiful.” It’s the “How Could I Live Without You?” slickly insincere cliché of dating, polished into a more earnest, poetic term.  
9. Forelsket: (Norwegian):  The euphoria you experience when you’re first falling in love.
   This is a wonderful term for that blissful state, when all your senses are acute for the beloved, the pins and needles thrill of the novelty. There’s a phrase in English for this, but it’s clunky. It’s “New Relationship Energy,” or NRE.
10. Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a “vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist.”
    It’s interesting that saudade accommodates in one word the haunting desire for a lost love, or for an imaginary, impossible, never-to-be-experienced love. Whether the object has been lost or will never exist, it feels the same to the seeker, and leaves her in the same place:  She has a desire with no future. Saudade doesn’t distinguish between a ghost, and a fantasy. Nor do our broken hearts, much of the time.

‎"Appreciation is a dying art."

It's 6:11am,

Still not asleep.

I need a reason to sleep.

I need to know that everything will be alright.

Smelling the grassy raindrops,

Falling from my window silk.

Slipping onto the tiles of my room.

Flooding in a little at a time.

Wish the thunder would come out and play.

Lighting to give me a hope in its rays.

Rain, wash these sorrows away.

Let me fall asleep, and wake up in a better other day.

I need a reason to sleep.

Perhaps, it would be that it is the only place,

where you and I would make sense.

Then please don't wake me up.

Because I'm going to sleep.

Two Bickering Minds.

I swore I wasn't crying.

Yet, upon touching these cheeks, 

there was another story.

they had made a valley down,

dripping all over the wooden table.

Making their mark so distinct.

They tell their story so directly.

Screaming their emotions so vividly.

Yet, I wish the lips would do the same.

Eyes; they are the window to everyone's soul.

Look at what they are trying to tell you.

I cannot lie. Not when you're staring at them.

Because they don't lie. 

Yet, gullible they are.

These lips, they speak, but not always, 

especially when most needed.

Evading questions, answers, 

especially truths the heart wants to speak.

Ears to listen, yet they often get tricked by the voices inside my head.

They get deceived easily by the eyes,

then ending by screening words,

perceived to be what the mind wants it to be.

How foolish these ears are.

Then there's the mind.

Always, and I mean always, overthinking.

Never a minute resting.

Often bickering with the heart on what's to be done.

It seems to know what's right.

And legitly has not failed.

Lastly, there's the one that causes everyone to go mad.

The mischievous, scandalous yet benignant heart.

Pumping blood, and often love, 

Making sure it does not grow cold.

Being the sensitive of them all, 

It is the one that turns on the blender.

(Heart) Should I? 
(Brain) You know you shouldn't. 
(Heart) But I can't deny these feelings. 
(Brain) You can't, but I can; thy lips shant speak.
(Heart) Brain, you are being mean. No matter how pokerface you'll be, thy eyes can't tell lies.
(Brain) But before anyone can see your tinted eyes, my body language and words would have told them otherwise. 
(Heart) You're such a bully! Why are you doing this to me? I'm hurting on the inside.
(Brain) It's for your own good. You won't understand it now, but in due time.
(Heart) Its so hard. The feelings are killing me on the inside. But no one should know.

Best and Worse of Falling.

The sun is filling up the room

And I can hear you dreaming

Do you feel the way I do right now?

I wish we would just give up

Cause the best part is falling

Call it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance

Say "I love you" when you're not listening

How long can we keep this up, up, up?

And please don't stand so close to me

I'm having trouble breathing

I'm afraid of what you'll see right now

I give you everything I am

All my broken heart beats

Until I know you understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance

Say "I love you" when you're not listening

How long can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting

For you to take me

You keep waiting

To save what we have

So I'll make sure to keep my distance

Say "I love you" when you're not listening

How long can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance

Say "I love you" when you're not listening

How long til we call this love, love, love?

-Distance

I don't understand.

  

  

  

  

Paradox.

Is love something good,

or is it something bad?

For sometimes I’d just love

to blast a bullet through your head.

That’s cause when I start loving

That one I’ve always liked

I know he's still only liking

the one by who he’s loved.

I want to listen to my mind telling

that my love will go away.

That my heart should be locked up

And then it all will be okay.

Sadly that’s not made easy,

for love is all around.

Apparently I’m not the only one

who by this torture has been found.

Restoring.

Drenched.

When minutes become hours 

When days become years 

And I dont know where you are 

Color seems so dull without you 

Have we lost our minds? 

What have we done? 

But it all doesnt seem to matter anymore 

When you kissed me on that street, I kissed you back 

You held me in your arms, I held you in mine 

You picked me up to lay me down 

When I look into your eyes 

I can hear you cry for a little bit more of you and I 

Im drenched in your love 

Im no longer able to hold it back 

Is it too late to ask for love? 

Is it wrong to feel right? 

When the world is winding down 

Thoughts of you linger around 

Lost.

“The only people who ever get anyplace interesting are the people who get lost.”

Menacing Ostensibly .

Honestly, it did hurt. 

You were broken to begin,
and mending and fixing did not work.
Perhaps it's because of the materials used.
Or perhaps its from a wrong angle?
Or maybe the wrong person?
Or just bad timing.

But it was too late.
You soon turned into something that you weren't.
From a fluffy teddy filled with warmness.
Somehow you started changing textile.
Unknowingly, you became some irregular atomic structure;
A brittle transparent solid; shattered glass.While taking form of your current state of brokenness,
Those hands mending got caught in the sharp edges.
It happened without warning whatsoever.

and now as it rains,
the blood washed off your refracting frames,
while the blood is gone,
the cuts still feel pain.

Maybe you weren't broken in the first place,
and it was futile repairing something that's not even broken.

Barbed wires they became.
In or out? Standing here, from this point of view,
I wonder who is the prisoner and warden.
Standing on the greener side of the field, looking in,
Somehow a prisoner more like.

Still does.