My little Butterflies.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Half a Life.

Had feasted my eyes upon some words I know I should read, but wish I had not have read. It's 3:10am. It's funny, I feel like I'm on a surgery table or my wad's bed, and the doctor's announcing my time of death. Skylar Grey's 'Words' has been stuck in my mind. This and a few other songs. Maybe, just maybe, if I'm lucky, someone would read this and know that 'Words' would be one of the songs I want at my funeral. Perhaps if I'm lucky, someone would catch a few others as I go.
It's so loud inside my head.
With words that I should have said.
Mr Know-It-All, or rather Mr Fall-Out-Boy,
I have so much to tell you. So much that's been left unsaid. So much that has gone through my mind. Too much for my own good, and I'm pretty sure too much for your own good too. By guess, I'd say that you're exactly in my shoes as I am in yours. Everything's complicated for you, this I know. It's not that you want or like things complicated, but it just creeps in somehow or rather, like air, which even for your voided space it's inevitable not to have it; that's how illogical yet perplexed it is. 
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
You want to know something funny? I actually recently watch a Thai movie called; "A Crazy Little Thing Called Love", and it was the one foreign movie that made me cry. Thinking back to it, it reminds me so much of you and I. Especially the part where his bestfriend got involved in it and just before the bestfriend left, the main actor had to make a horrid promise, one that I don't think anyone should ever make. Well, you have to watch the movie to find out what it is. Maybe, just maybe, we are stuck, yet, in that stage, but maybe not forever. I hope we'll have their ending. 
I know I can't take one more step towards you.

There's just so much to contemplate. Not alot, just those few, but those are the main few. They too, were once a part of my life. I had lived with many jars, in which all those insults and backstabs I kept wrapped. Bottling up silent tears, to put up with those you call as friends. A contract was made, with the devil himself, to trade places with someone I have loved most. But that someone will never know these pain; the conditions to which was made an agreement. At least I know that, that part of the bargain is kept, being that others were all broken. I'm not looking for pity, no need to be sympathetic about it.
Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste.
It's been tormenting the past few days. Honestly, I missed the times we had. We could talk for hours, outdoors or in. Watching movies and eating the meals you made. Going out of my way to get you food which I think didn't really help you get better, but tried my best nursing you back. It made me feel useful, contributing and most of all wanted. Now, it's just so cold. You say you're busy, listening to your voice and the words typed, they both feel so differently. It felt that your voice wouldn't lie to me, but behind a screen your feelings hide from me. Shutting me out. Making me feel so ridiculous now, to even think that you would care for me again. Getting a text which felt like you were oh-so-leaving, yet wanting to stay. It made my heart utterly stop beating in those few moments. I know not what more to believe in.
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said.
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.
Now, I feel like those days have returned. My feelings are tormenting you. I honestly wish I could take back the feelings you felt for me. The pain you put yourself through. The suffering I put you through, watching a disaster happen everyday, yet to you it was pure hate. You were so strong to have gone through all that. I'm sorry, I wish I could take it all back. I know I shouldn't cause you the same pain again. I know I should just stay away. I know I shouldn't do it again. I know I shouldn't feel this way. But it's so hard to pretend that I don't care. Though you seem to be moving on now. I know I shouldn't ask you to stay. That's why I never said those words I wanted to say. And all day, all they do is keep screaming in my head. 
I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited.
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight itI had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded. That for me, it isn't over.
I know you said that no matter what you do to fight for that person, to the extend of begging them to stay, yet the outcome would still be the same, and that they would leave anyways. But here's something I would like to say. If you had come back that day. If you had pulled me closer and stayed. If you had held on longer, I would have done everything to be back with you. I no longer have anything to lose. But I guess, it's none that's to be blamed. You were hurt, and getting fooled twice, that would be a shame. However if anyone's to be blamed, I'd say it would be me. Given a chance to say something, yet I lied and said it was nothing. I guess I'm not ready to hurt you again. I don't think I'll ever be ready for that. All I can say now is that, we were so close, yet silence we chose.

I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion thats why I despise it. We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth. So scared of what you think of me, I'm scared of even telling you.
But darling, I'll be the fool this time. I'll hold on to my silly illusions. My fantasy that someday, we will get this right. Someday when all the barriers in my head are gone, when I'm freed from my bonds. Because darling, you turned my sorrow into treasured gold, and that's what I've always wanted. For you to be happy. And now, even if it means that it is not with me. It's hard to say that I'll be happy too because I yearn so much to be the one that brings sparks to your eyes, but I'll just stay here, hidden; unread, indulging in my own memories of me and you.
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me. I have loved you for a thousand year. I'll love you for a thousand more.
Thank you for being there for me all this time. Eventhough I would've guessed that it'd kill you on the inside. Thank you for not pushing me away before. It means a world to me to know that at least in your eyes, I'm wanted. Thank you for helping me even when you yourself are in trouble. I truly am grateful. It hurts to even think that this is goodbye. I hope it isn't even close to it. I'm sorry for running around, leaving you scars, and tearing love apart. I'll just leave mine broken, so that the next time I use it, it'll be me who gets the cuts and sores. I really still care for you, but how can I love when I'm afraid to fall? I guess I'm just silly.

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