My little Butterflies.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Troubling dreams.

I've been having these scary dreams. They were so frequent that I got numb to the thought, yet there were a few significant ones which were quite the concern. They started since 25th Jan this year. It use to be an off and on thing, but since 25th, it was constant.  Each of them had one very thing in common. Death. 
The first one, was a girl. I woke up with my heart pounding so ferociously. Blood, tears, screams, so many mix emotions that I could feel from the people in the dream; an accident. Well at least I assume it to be an accident. Perhaps it could be something different, because only parts I could recall.  
The second was related to a dear pet. I could see its pain, feel its suffering and lastly witness the life disappearing from her eyes. As disturbing as it was, I just woke up feeling utterly confused. Why do I have these dreams? They use to be repetitive but now, it's a different scene every night. 
A few of which I could not recall exactly, only a vague picture etched in my mind, but still of the same theme.
Not exactly sequential now, but this was one of the few I remember clearly. It was rather different this time. I did not see how they passed, but instead was at a funeral. No one really did notice my presence there. At first I thought it was my own, but the feeling I remember off the person in the coffin was someone I truly cared about. I'm certain it is a friend. Perhaps, close friend? I remember feeling devastated. I could not accept the fact and was so overwhelmed that I woke up holding on tight to my pillow, hugging manner and wished that the person would be here for me to hug. I didn't want anything to happen. All of the dreams, I don't wish for them to ever happen. I tried to stay up so that I would not fall back into that dream but my wet eyes were too tired. The after feeling that morning, was pure gloominess. 

Several times, waking up to that fear. Like my heart wanted to hide itself and was racing so quickly, and my eyes popped widely open; can't wait a moment longer to stay asleep.
And the last one, just last night, with a short continuation or rather summary, this afternoon in a nap. I tired to make myself tired, really really exhausted, so that I would not dream again because last time when I was really tired, I would not dream. This time I really saw who it was. I don't know if I'm in denial and just refuse to accept that that person would do anything like that, but yet some parts of me is concern because there are signs. It was a suicide. A horrifying suicide. Not the kind that you take pills and go peacefully or hang yourself and just have that brief moment of pain and, or deficient air, but it was horrifying. It was long and gruesome. I woke up with tears in my eyes. I really hope it doesn't come true! Not even close to it at all. Reading some stuff written by that someone made it feel like it was so near to coming true.
Spare my heart from more tears, please? I know you won't be reading this, because you don't read my petty rants or random posts, but if by chance that you do, please hang in there. Don't push people away when all they are trying is to help. Like you, I know it is hard to trust especially with the events that happened, but at least don't push me away. I really want to help. I can't bare knowing you're in pain. I see you like this but feel so helpless on the sideline. Though I am doubtful that even if you confided in me that I would be able to help. But at least allow me to give you support. Please hold on.  

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